Forgive Me
by divaaaofcourage
Summary: Written from Tokiya's POV on his relationship with his band mate, Otoya.


**Written from Tokiya's POV.**

* * *

I was sure I loved him.

We dated once but he broke up shortly after, but I loved him.

I really did.

When I decided to part ways with Otoya, he agreed. To add on the guilt I have already felt, he flashed me the sweetest smile. I pretended to take no notice of the smile and since then, we paid less attention to each other's needs and each other.

A week after our relationship ended, Otoya was his usual, hyper and cheerful self but I saw right past the smiles. He was damaged; too damaged. He always does a good job masking the sadness he feels. It was either that, or he was always positive...

Unlike myself.

The following week, I noticed Otoya was close to our other bandmate, Ren. It did not occur to me that perhaps Ren was only having fun with Otoya. The last thing I expected was for the both of them to fall in love with each other.

It's odd, to be honest. Only to find out that my ex-boyfriend had replaced me with a good friend of ours… It was then I realized how much Otoya meant to me. Since then, this jealousy inside me grew so strong and I behaved so coldly towards Otoya. Clearly, I didn't mean to. I love so hard, but I come out so harsh.

It was when the news spread to the rest of us in the group that Otoya and Ren were dating. I became desperate and forced myself on Otoya that one night in our dormitory when Kotobuki-san wasn't around. He was screaming for help and fear; he even kicked me to set himself free. Eventually, I gave up the moment I saw tears running down his face and sat back to think about what I had done.

Apparently, Otoya told Ren about it. Ren behaved out of character and out of anger, he gripped on to the collar of my shirt and punched me in the face. He warned me about laying a finger on Otoya again.

Since then, I kept my distance from everyone else.

Syo, Shinomiya-san, Aijima-san and Hijirikawa-san wondered about what went on between Ren, Otoya and myself and because I was keeping my distance from them, they went ahead and asked Ren and Otoya. They explained everything and the others were disappointed in me. But I do not blame them.

xxx

While I was out alone by the lake that one night, I was approached by the one member of the group I finally learned to open up to. He and I are alike in many ways and the words he said to me were comforting.

"It's true what you did to Ittoki was appalling and unacceptable but it's pointless for you to think about it until today. Let it go, Ichinose, you have other things to think about. Stop clouding your head with thoughts like that."

After a long while, I finally found comfort in someone else – Hijirikawa-san.

Hijirikawa-san and Ren are childhood friends and rivals, but that's what's special about their relationship – they understand each other. If it is the one person I can confide in, it would be Hijirikawa-san. If I had thought about opening up to him in the first place instead of forcing myself on Otoya, things wouldn't turn out this way.

xxx

One of the unfortunate events, Otoya called me, seeking for help. He told me to come over to Ren's family home where the both of them were the night before. Immediately, I abandoned my work and ran off to cab to the Jinguuji mansion. Otoya's cries over the phone were worrisome. It turned out that Ren was drunk and he had forced himself on Otoya.

There, Otoya begged me to take him back to the agency. I did as he wished and brought him back. He told me whatever happened in between sobs and the anger I felt towards Ren rose to its boiling point.

Ren returned to the agency that afternoon, looking exhausted. I went up to him and grabbed the collar of his shirt, warning him not to hurt Otoya again.

At first, I planned on caring less of what's going on between Ren and Otoya but every time Otoya gets hurt and/or upset, it's only natural for me to protect him. Ren is promiscuous and I'm well-aware.

When things started to get better between the two of them, I decided to focus on my work and personal life. Hijirikawa-san and I spent more time together – on both work and each other's personal lives. He became my best friend and eventually, we dated.

However, this was when things started to get complicated.

Hijirikawa-san disappeared for weeks without a word and I became lonely again; loneliness was then foreign to me. I became desperate yet again and turned to Otoya, begging him to give me the comfort I needed. He gave in this time and we ended up sleeping together behind both Ren's and Hijirikawa-san's backs.

We planned for it to happen once but temptation got the better of us and we continued sleeping together. Otoya was also desperate for the same comfort I needed as Ren had been working continuously and he rarely had any time for Otoya.

Since Otoya and I had to share the dormitory with Kotobuki-san, we decided to spend the nights in the apartment I used to live in before I moved to the agency. Night after night, we not only slept on the same bed, sex became a need.

When Ren was finally out of projects for the time being and Hijirikawa-san returned to the agency, Otoya and I told them the truth and apologized. They did forgive us, but the guilt I felt lingered in my heart for a long time.

xxx

I dislike being angry with myself. It made me resort to things I would never do. I was always seen as one of the wisest member in the group but then there is this other side of me that only those close to me knows about.

Because of jealousy, desperation and anger, I almost lost those I hold dear. It was not worth it. I was close to jeopardizing the relationships I have with them because of my own foolishness. Although things are better now, there will be days when I'd think about what I had done.

Otoya had moved on but I was still stuck. I became indecisive. I was drowning in my own tears and Otoya was there to give me a hand. Instead, I pulled him down with me. I was a terrible friend. His innocence was ruined and I will never forgive myself for it.

I'm terribly sorry, Otoya. I will never admit it to you but I care too much for you. You've grown so important to me and if only I was able to think through everything carefully before carelessly letting you go, everything that came after that could be prevented.

I love you. I really do.

 _Forgive me._


End file.
